DEAR DIARY,
It’s been since LiveJournal days since I’ve put a virtual pen to virtual paper. I think I used to enjoy journaling a little more back in middle school days, because I didn’t feel guilty about indulging in my love fantasies about other boys in school. But at some point I learnt that it was unhealthy and unproductive. When I didn’t have anything else to write about, and changed from that cute journaling books of the 90’s to LiveJournal, my writings were truly a dry and impassionate take of my life. For better or for worse, I did gain the confidence to confide in my friends around me about my queerness, and my feelings for some random boys, and then quickly repress it in the name of mental health. Looking back at it, a little bit of reservation, and dwelling might have stirred me into actions to actually ask these boys out, who knows. Truly I couldn’t have it all. I gained something, lost something there.
Anyway, I’m not here to actually expose my currently love life on the internet. What I want to talk about is a lot more superficial and maybe a little more LiveJournal-esque summary from my life so far; something more appropriate to the general audience; something to help contextualize what I write or talk.
I moved to BC, Canada during my highschool days and completed my Mechanical Engineering degree at University of Victoria during another down turn in the economy. I am one of the unfortunate Millenials you kept hearing about. Struggling to find a job in the field that I would enjoy and keeping me on track to my permanent residency status in Canada, I decided to pivot to Tech work. While I don’t have much of a formal training for it, I had the enthusiasm of one. Tinkering with computers, hardware and software, was and maybe still is my passion. I had discovered a Tech meetup in Victoria, OpenHack meetup, and the great people in the industry who taught me what I needed to get my first job in the industry. I don’t think I could have gotten to where I am if it wasn’t for the amazing people who both inspired me and taught me so many things. Not to discount my own hard work. It was crazy how much time I sank into “side projects” to grow my skill sets.
Around the time I graduated from the university, I had also discovered my passion for strength training, and coaching, and shortly after CrossFit. CrossFit really became my other passion, and the equally biggest time sink in my life. I got my personal trainer certificate, and CrossFit level 1 coaching certificate, and started coaching within the first 2 years.
My life was simple, but enjoyable. I worked, I gymed, I went to OpenHack, I did my side project, I coached. Life was on autopilot, on a rail, but I had a blast, and on tracked to a pretty good life. When I finally got my Canadian citizenship, it felt like the last life hurdle was crossed. The bucket list was empty. I didn’t have any major worry left. The big rocks were cleared, so to speak.
But when the weights were off, and I had a chance to retrospect, I realized I missed out on so much. All the roses along the sidewalk of a street I couldn’t cross back to. I gave up the only serious boyfriend I had because he “didn’t help me check off my to-do list”. I never traveled the World. Heck I hadn’t even vacation as an adult ever by that point. While I am grateful for the success I found, it wasn’t without sacrifices.
By the time I was ready for some changes, and moved to Vancouver, the pandemic happened.
The momentum for that change was hard to maintain when you’re stuck at home for almost 2 years. I’ve somewhat fallen back into the same old routine for a bit. I found a new CrossFit gym and new people, I traded my side project for a little more social life, and sexual expressions. I started playing rugby with a couple of my closest friends from the university. My life isn’t as revolutionary as I had hoped when I took the plunge to move town. But I still feel there is a drive left in me for a need for change, for something new. They’re in the little things I do. I finally traveled to Europe. I even did a solo trip a year after. I picked up learning German language. I’m more willing to go along with things these days, instead of over-planning to the minutes. I talk a lot more about the side of human experience that I tried to repress. I became more willing to make mistakes instead of overthinking, and thus became more forgiving and letting go. I accept things as they come, and enjoy the good, and the bad of it, instead of trying to change it.
Recently I was let go from my job. I took it as an opportunity to open a new chapter. Despite something I’ve done before, it really isn’t in my nature to go off-track like this. When I’m writing it down, it reads like I’m a whole new different person, but I don’t feel that way inside. Maybe my changes manifest differently than I had expected, and maybe in ways that’s hard to notice internally.
Either way, I’m pretty happy being off the rails for now. Life is still good, surrounded by people who love me. Maybe this is where I’ll finally find the changes and different kind of happiness I was missing.